Lest you try to just waltz into the New Year without a list of bold, horrifyingly accurate conjectures from your favorite soothsaying songster:

1- Demand for cakeballs gets so out of hand that savvy bakers begin making larger, fully cooked versions they call "cake rounds." (Later shortened to "cakes" for brevity's sake.)

2- Smart phones become a little too smart and begin auto-sending late-night drunken texts (including botched auto-corrected innuendos) to contact lists.

3- Inspired by the "Arab Spring" of 2011, the United States decides to go ahead and hold its own free elections in the fall of 2012.

4- On December 21st, 2012 absolutely nothing of astronomical, geological, political or personal consequence will happen. For anyone. Anywhere.

5- On December 21st, 2012 the world's totally gonna 'splode, y'all. (Just making sure I have all my bases covered.)

Happy New Year, friends!