Lest you try to just waltz into the New Year without a list of bold, horrifyingly accurate conjectures from your favorite soothsaying songster:
1- Demand for cakeballs gets so out of hand that savvy bakers begin making larger, fully cooked versions they call "cake rounds." (Later shortened to "cakes" for brevity's sake.)
2- Smart phones become a little too smart and begin auto-sending late-night drunken texts (including botched auto-corrected innuendos) to contact lists.
3- Inspired by the "Arab Spring" of 2011, the United States decides to go ahead and hold its own free elections in the fall of 2012.
4- On December 21st, 2012 absolutely nothing of astronomical, geological, political or personal consequence will happen. For anyone. Anywhere.
5- On December 21st, 2012 the world's totally gonna 'splode, y'all. (Just making sure I have all my bases covered.)
Happy New Year, friends!
About mid-year, Honda™ will finally begin production on the first consumer-grade flying car. But since it is fueled by the tears of small children, only terrible people, clowns and Mall Santas will be able to drive one.
A giant sea-dwelling lizard creature will attack Manhattan around Easter, only to become preoccupied with an equally giant billboard advertising a 'Super Spring Sale at Saks'. The National Guard takes the beast down while it's distracted and before it can even begin making a wish list.
Sales of my debut EP Anywhere are so high that "multi-platinum" is no longer an accurate description. The Recording Industry Association of America creates a new category Iridium for sales over one quadrillion. I am then investigated for sales fraud since each of the 6.9 Billion people on earth would have had to purchase about 145,000 copies of the record each. The trial judge is extremely bored by the proceedings and thinks the record is snappy, so he summarily dismisses the case.
In a stunning comeback, Mel Gibson's role in The Beaver earns him the critical admiration he so desperately seeks and earns the movie billions in worldwide revenue. (See also: Ashton Kutcher in No Strings Attached.)
In June, Google and Apple collaborate on the iPants—the first pair of pants that predicts where you want to walk based on internet searches and takes you there while pumping lukewarm indie-pop out of speakers embedded in the crotch. The deluxe version includes an endless supply of quarters in the right-hand pocket. An announcement from Google HQ proclaims "It's the best predictive pant on the market. And you won't see anything better until next years microchip brain impl---" before being hurried off the dais.
Happy New Year to all! Two Kay 'lebbin will be the best yet!
